~The Complicated Life of A Dreamer..........~

2010-09-28T12:23:00.002-04:00

Ya Allah... Bermacam2 dugaan dan tohmahan yg aku terima...
Bilakah akan tercapai kebahagiaan? Aku tidak sekuat itu.
Suami yg kusedari tidak dpt bersama di kala susah.. Bagaimana?

2010-09-26T11:26:00.002-04:00

Actually this is the most taboo topics in our community and i can't believe that i am actually blogging abt it. Marriage kind of open my eyes abt things that i cant imagine.
First of all, you may ask this question on how well do you know your partner? This cld lead to the anwer for my topic today.
Sex/Sexual relationship.

Quote: A word of advise for "virgin brides" and any women who postpones engaging in all forms of sexual activity until they are in their twenties or later.. Women who do so, often value their virginity greatly or else they would not have waited for so long to become sexually active. As such, it means a lot to them and they have high sexual expectations regarding their first time. The problem lies in having had no past sexual experiences you are probably not ready for intercourse, or for that matter, anything more than hugging or kissing. My advise to these women is to slowly develop their sexual skills one at a time over an extended period of time before having intercourse with their partner. It might be a wiser choice to celebrate your first anniversary by having intercourse for the first time versus doing so on the night of your wedding when you are probably stress and tired. You are likely going to be married for years.. so there is no need to try and do everything on the first night or first week. The thrill of doing it wld not wear off if you wait, if anything, the anticipation will grow as you and your partner develop your sexual relationship. In addition, it is usually not good for marriage or commited relationship if pregnancy occurs within the first year."

It makes me think of my own experience so far...
On why does my sexual life becomes such a mess?

There are many factors included such as:
1) Inconsiderate and un-caring husband. Does not bother to foreplay or read up on first time sex, old-fashioned thinking on woman have to give in to sex for first night n even though in pain. Did not know how to pacify n make thgs comfortable for the wife.
2) My fear of pain n no basic knowledge on sex.
3) Traditional family with old fashioned thinking that do not talk abt sex.
4) Low trust in husband. Scared that he wld hurt you.
5) Does not explore myself sexually down there.
6) Put so much hopes n expectations for hubby coz he's experience.
7) Putting the blame on each other.
8) Husband easily gives up and can't maintain an erection...

I am really sad abt this happening in my marriage... n i really hope that I cld overcome this. Its so early in a marriage n i felt that I am becoming less a women... I am confident that I wld overcome it. Amin...

2010-09-16T04:26:00.002-04:00

Dear blog... nowadays.. i am not feeling so mopey n depressed anymore..
coz i have my positive attitude back.. I am so looking forward to the new house... :)
I really hope that it wld come true. I wanted to start a new life.
I really think that God has some great plans for me.. that's why he gave me all these problems to test me... I am trying to be positive n work very hard for my future... To overcome this. I wld do anything for my baby/babies.

As you wld know, the only great thg abt this year, 2010, which happens to be my year, the year of Tiger, is my wedding (which is partially spoilt) n my trip to bali (as part of my honeymoon). Other than dat, it was a bad year... even all of bulan puasa n hari raya is not the same... I do not have mood to celebrate n my first day of Hari Raya was ruined.. With sinus, headache, cries n migraines... N i cld swear dat my parents-in-law, dislike me less now because of that incident... :(

But its okay, I wld prove to them in other ways that i'm worthy...
I meant they r nicest parents in law... n I really wanted to present them with somethg meaningful that can't be bought with money... I really really hope that I wld overcome these problems soon.......
I really really really want this to work out.
Even though sometimes, I think that why is dis happening to me?
It seems unfair... it does seems very easy for other people who do not even appreciates their blessings. But I know dat dis is actually a blessing in disguise.
Deep in my heart I cld sense it dat happiness wld be with me someday.....

2010-08-01T23:08:00.003-04:00

I got this from the net... Its kinda funny...
N I think my vagina is telling me that I didn't bother to get to know my own vagina and also sometimes Wan doesn't treat me right...
So my vagina always clamp up.... Lol!

What is your vagina trying to tell you?

1) How can you want me to open with a man when u never even look at me or say my name out loud. Please get to know me before asking me to open up to others.. (LOL!)

2) I'm not physically ready for sex! I need more time/knowledge/trust/ lube/information/ precautions! (Yes, I have lots of knowledge now...)

3) I want to test your partner.. if 2night I don't open up as you wish, I want to see how he takes it, if he respects u or gets mad at u. Thank me! (LOL!)

4) I’m so confused and scared about sex, I mean, mom says it's bad before marriage, God says that too, my boyfriend says he’ll leave me if I don’t do it, my best friend says sex is beautiful, I read that my hymen will break… Please reassure me a bit! (What I used to think... LOL!)

5) Hello? mind? heart? are you sure you really want to have sex tonight?? cause I don't think so! Will you take me seriously for once? I don't want to have sex tonight!!"

6) I don't want to work under this mental pressure to perform! I'm having stage fright!! And you keep telling me bad things too!

7) Ouch, that hurt! If you keep having sex this way or let him have his way, I’m gonna get really hurt.. Since you’re not listening to me, then you leave me no choice but shutting down.

8) I dont like the partner you chose! Who is this guy anyway?? He’s no good for you.. Don’t get fooled. Don't force him in me! There’s a reason if I’m closing. Get the hint!

9) I am not ready to have a child, at all. No contraceptive is 100% safe. Don't get me pregnant..!

10) Mmhh...I think the ovaries are not feeling too good... There may be some cyst near here.. Since they can't get the message through to you, I’m ringing a bell to get your attention before it’s too late. You need to go see a doctor!

Historically, vaginas have been told to shut up ALL THE TIME, they have been subtly taught they shouldn’t be heard nor seen..

They should be used, not understood..
They should open and close at a male’s command, not at their own will.

It’s small wonder that women have suffered from vaginismus all over the world. Now, vaginismus gives you a chance to LISTEN to something ancient, profound and mythical.

If you feel she’s a complete stranger for you, you may want to check the Vulvar Anatomy section and get to know her.
Sometimes fixing vaginismus is not worth half the happiness and self-confidence that a long-lasting friendship with your vagina will give you.

So get in vagina’s shoes, it can make a world of difference to finally listen to her.

2010-07-21T03:17:00.002-04:00

Dear Blog,

Its been so long that I have not written here... Today I felt like pouring out my heart...
Its been nearly one month plus that I'm married...
A beautiful wedding (With a bit of cacat cela because of his ex) and a beautiful bali honeymoon (With no happy ending)
What I dream of in my married life... had all been shattered.
Sadness and depression are endless now...
Its not that Wan and me always quarell or our personality clashes...
We always click so well with each other... Understands each other so well...
I could still remember the night, when he was all down and shattered coming home, and thats when he fell into my arms and we cried together...
It was so painful... I was hurting too... N I still have to be strong for both of us.
Its all the external problems.
I guess... Everybody has their own problems in life....
I can't really accept that these thgs are happening to me right after my marriage...
Fate, to me, is cruel and unfair.
But, every life challenges would make you more stronger.
A stronger and better person. And hikmah beneath it.
Sometimes, I feel like giving up... But if I believe that I am a strong person,
I would work hard to fight these problems.
First of all, I did think why me?
I work so hard to reach my dream of being married and becoming someone's wife...
N I really love my husband so much... N he loves me so much....
So, where is the problem?? Lots & lots of it... N what's the hikmah??

1) Vaginismus = Sex
Hikmah: To learn and appreciate making love, treasure your partner, make love in a romantic way after overcoming, treasure what you can't achieve before, the treatment cld benefit you during childbirth, gynae check ups...
2) Cancer scare. Really hope what the doctor is right.
Hikmah: To be more careful in future, protect your health better, live a healthy life, do more check ups...
3) Husband losing job.
Hikmah: For him not to take his job for granted, work hard in a new job, maybe he wld find a better job, Allah wld open up a better path for him....
4) Losing our future house.
Hikmah: Maybe he wants us to wait... For us to be stable and then the better house wld appear...
5) Lots of credit cards and loans
Hikmah: Teach us how to manage our finances better before getting a house...
6) Family problems (Adjusting to both families)
Hikmah: To gradually strengthen ties between both families...
7) Job stress=loads of work
Himah: Dunno yet.
8) Husband not strong and taking more thgs to harm himself.
Hikmah: For me to be more alert/to know the real truth. At least he confessed in thgs that he never told me before... So after this I wld continue to remind him...
9) Pressure in having children. With vaginismus, how to have children?
Hikmah: For us to be more prepared in having children. To be equipped to be a better parent.

N mind you, these problems are very hard to endure... sometimes you feel like you do not wanna live anymore... But, I wld quickly shake it off...
I really feels sorry for my husband everytime I look at him...
Sometimes he would say things that hurts my feelings... But I know that he doesn't really meant it...
But, I felt that he shld be more understanding and encourage me more... :(

All in all....
I am very sure that we could overcome all these obstacles and live on to tell our children and grandchildren the stories... Insyallah...
Amin.

2010-06-16T02:52:00.003-04:00

6th of June 2010.
10 Days ago...
My wedding is finally over...
My beautiful black and pink wedding.
My most romantic wedding that I could ever hope for....
With my soulmate, Ridzwan Bin Salim...

Almost. Except for some things that are spoilt.
Well, you can't expect everything to be perfect right....
My marriage now is almost perfect.
My honeymoon is great. Bali is great.

I just love him too much. Very much.
I just need one more thing to be done.
Well, to make me feel like a real real wife.
Well, i'm gonna do it on my birthday.

21st of June 2010.
That's my 24th birthday wish.
Amin.

2010-01-24T08:36:00.002-05:00

I have now realised that at this point, we really can't live without each other anymore coz our love is really that strong. We have vowed not to live apart and to be together till the rest of our lives. To have beautiful hse with beautiful kids and grandchildrens... Coz I can't imagine being with someone else rather than him.
That means Wan is Ina and Ina is Wan. Nothing except Allah cld separate us and I really hope that our wedding wld be the most happiest moment in our lives of uniting two hearts and that it wld went well.... Amin...

2010-01-20T08:33:00.001-05:00

Hi Blog!!
20012010.
Today we went to ROMM to register.
At first boleh salah venue pulak lah!!
Am really happy today. Wan is also happy.
I cld see that he's romantic n loves me a lot.
After that we go and book the mph.
But at night, I received some bad news from Wan regards his dad marah kan dia... :(
No matter what, I wld always love him like no others.

2010-01-16T08:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Blog,

Today I went and collect my passport.
Very fast & easy. Coz I had make my appointment.
Great!! Now I cld go overseas more easily.
After that, I went out with my beloved the whole day.
I'm really happy today. :)

2010-01-15T06:38:00.000-05:00

Today is my very first treatment of bridal bliss package that I took with the wayan kempis... makes me so inspiration to slim down.. But its very hard!! I dun know how to diet....
God please help me!!
After that my face is so glowy... even the kakak thinks so.
N i finish of my foot reflex package today too...

2010-01-02T13:45:00.003-05:00

Dear blog...
To make it short, I would summarize up two days into one...
To start it off, this is already a brand new year!!! Woohoo!!
And on the first day, I go out with Wan. TO watch Avatar!!
Such a nice movie.. so nice and romantic.. (the animation part lah..)
And it's 3D. I think its a tie with Sherlock Holmes.
But Wan, aku maseh marah with him abt yesterday.. So its not such an enjoyable day.
I guess he doesn't feel with his heart.. :(
I meant, he just felt that he dun wanna hold my hand the whole day.. Even when i'm not wearing tudung... And when he finally hold my hand, I cld feel the warmth, of the love.. But maybe for him,
its just a way for him to shelter from the cold of the movie theatre... :(
But I just know that whatever it is, I cld not bear to be angry with him for long...
And now today, there's a lucky streak in the new year.. :)
I finally got the box for my berkat.. :)
I guess... its juz meant to be for me.. :)
I'm really happy.. The new year is off to a great start!!
Can't wait for it to be delivered... I am feeling hyper at 3 am...
I just got a feeling that It would be a lucky year... My lucky year...
The year of my own wedding... Travelling.. My own house... Etc.
Thinking of it makes me happy again..
I guess... Its okay.. if he wants to make me sad everyday...
But I shld always think of happy thots to make me happy... :)

2009-12-31T18:17:00.001-05:00

Hi Blog,

Today is the last day of 2009...
Sorry that I didn't blog much lately...
Been a very busy year.
I have to finalise my berkats.. Room decor yg susah sgt nk dpt...
After so many, at last settle on teacup and saucers..
And then skali tkda box pulak..And box is like extra 50 cents...
Abeh bila dah decide nak, abeh tkleh dpt pulak... confusion...
Sorry.. I've got no mood to write today.. I'm sick and alone on new years eve!!
So.. Happy New Year 2010!!
Its the year of my wedding too...5 more mths to go... :)
Hope that the new year wld bring more happiness, more gd health, more blessings, more wealth for me... :)

2009-12-30T13:39:00.000-05:00

Hi Blog,

As expected, I felt sick today.. And took MC.
Mr Henry was not happy with me and make me a bit difficult.. :(
And then Cynthia took half day coz of her eyes...
I guess Mr Henry wld not be happy... I must boost up in Jan for my bonus... :)
Btw, next two days wld be a new year.. And its 2010!
Wheww.. time flew so fast... Guess for this year.. I hate to make new resolutions...
Coz my losing weight had been on the list for a few years already.. LOL!!
But I guess, I had to curb some of my bad habits such as being late for work and taking cabs.. Dats extremely bad work ethics man!!
And try to lose some weight for the wedding...
Of course, in 2010, I wanted to be a great wife too.. LOL!!
Hmmm.. The rest is as per normal I guess...

2009-12-18T10:53:00.000-05:00

Although loneliness had always been a friend of mine...
I'm leaving my life in your hands...
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind...
Risking it all in a glance...
And how you got me blind is still a mystery...
I can't get you out of my head...
Don't care what is written in your history...
As long as you're here with me...

I don't care who you are...
Where you're from, what you did.. as long as you love me...

Every little thing that you have said and done...
Feels like its deep within me...
Doesn't really matter if you're on the run...
It seems like we're meant to be.....

2009-12-17T11:15:00.001-05:00

Today I had my first experience attending a wedding chinese reception at Amara Hotel...
For Uncle Leong's son... Hmm... its very enriching and romantic...
But very expensive... Terkopak duit... First2 nk kasi less.. Abeh takut malu...
But overall, its quite nice... compare to mly wedding, the atmosphere is diff...
Dunno what to expect at my wedding next year...

2009-12-16T10:39:00.000-05:00

Dear blog...
I'm getting busier and lazier to update now...
And guess what??
Its already 6 more mths to go... And I have not diet...
And i'm getting scared... I have booked most of the necessary thgs already...
Left with the small2 thgs such as berkats and cards...
Life is wan is really unpredictable and he's very lazy... sometimes cld make me mad...
I've started class.. and seems like I'm not cut to do accts...?
Feels like quitting.. padahal dah malas coz the wedding is keeping me busy...

2009-12-11T10:46:00.000-05:00

Today I had a big scare... And Wan kat hospital...
I thought its somethg serious.. but turns out he's only depressed...
I've always known that he got this anxiety problem...
I just don't know how bad it is... Turns out that i'm right...
I really hate it when he's admitted to hospital.. coz I dun want him to think abt his ex wife being a nurse... Esp in NUH or TTSH... Hate it a lot...
Once I hate a person, I wld hate them forever...

2009-12-08T10:49:00.000-05:00

Hari nie aku dapat bebual lama dgn mak wan...
Psl hantaran and wedding...
And... aku sedih knape even mak dia pon tk think so highly of him?
And especially in his ex wife case... Wan tk portray kan yg he's in the right...
So happy lah pompuan tu...
aku kesian jgklah dgn nasib tunang aku... Aku just hope that aft this, he wld just follow what I do, and insyallah.. his life wld be better... Our lives wld be better...
Amin...

2009-11-10T10:44:00.000-05:00

I'm so stressed right now...
Mana nk fikir psl rumah, psl diri sendiri, psl wedding...
Psl duit... n now... he max out his credit card again!!!!
Mintak maaf but the damage is done.. Now i have to sort out his pay too...

2009-11-05T10:55:00.000-05:00

Dear blog...
Life is full of mystery u know...
And today.. I had a shock of my life...
U know who i met today? Its HANIS.
Yeah.. my god daughter... and she's a big girl now...
It all started this morning.. when this sarifie guy came...
I saw him brought someone... But I did not looked up..
Coz I actually do not want to look at him... Coz of the past..
what he did... I heard sharon asked him "u bring ur daughter uh?"
First time nampak dia bwk.. n then after that he asked her to salam aku...
Bila aku angkat muka.. I had a shocked... Its like a dream...
How could she be in front of me??? N this is her dad???
Aku tergamam.. n aku try to ask her nama dia lage.. N its the same name...
N aku then ckp nie ur daughter? Then he said YES!!! Oh my god...
After that dia pon balik.. N then aku was in daze.. aku blom puas tgk hanis n nk tanya khabar dia.. So in split decision n kejar dia... Nasib dpt jumpa dia kat bwh...
N then bebual2 sikit.. I was so happy.. But fie... dia spoilt aku nya happiness...
So stuck up like he thought I wanted to take his daughter away..
N then knape dulu tk jaga btol2??? N i know his daughter way before I know him...
N after I broke up... when i search for hanis.. And all the while bpk dia is just beside me.... What a twisted thg kan??
Isshhh.. geram sey aku... geram... Tapi tkpe... janji dpt jumpa dia jap... N then balik pulak terjumpa kwn ite lama.. hopefully lah no more suprises lage..

2009-10-28T12:03:00.002-04:00

Dear blog...
Today I took leave for my fiancee's birthday...
Aku mmg maseh marah towards him... Tapi biasalah...
Marah2 sayang... N skali aku lupa yg pagi aku ada counselling service...
Hehe.. Tk sangka betol yg aku pegi counselling...
The counsellor is nice and handsome... Faham akan masalah aku..
N wan pulak tk percaya.. Masa baru2 jumpa of course lah maseh ada tension but the whole day was very fun.. And we love each other so much...
There is no turning back now... Gd news yg the HDB had approved our appeal and we got our HLE today... Yahoo..!!!
Now hopefully we got our flat pulak!!! Amin.... Amin....
Please... please... we really really need a flat... Amin...

2009-10-26T12:32:00.003-04:00

My fiancee is very cruel... He doesn't care about me anymore.
I don't even know if he really loves me or not...
He makes me feel sad & cry everyday..
He does not appreciate all the thgs that I had done for him.
And he does not want to reply to my messages. And he did not wanna call me.
He is so rude that he did not even say thk you for the birthday gift that I picked.
He is like a completely diff person than the one that I love.
Wats the point in living anyway? I might as well just die tomorrow.

2009-10-23T11:13:00.000-04:00

I am really sad & dissapointed today... Coz of him.
I was actually kind of good mood today and I look forward to see him later and to pass him the present.. But everything went downhill when he didn't call me.
And I had to find him instead to hear a bad news!!! Called his office and his home.

Okay fine... I know that he's probably sick n on mc... But why can't he just call me?
Why must wait for me to call him?
He could just called me after he called his workplace or something... N I dun even know whether he's really sick or not... He seems fine yesterday...
Dunno he's lying thru his teeth or not.. even just to pass the thg also he did not want.
N he got the cheek to ask me to go there to his house!! Is it delivery service or wat? Slalu aje asyik nk kena dtg umah dia!! Makes me so mad.. Feels like throwing away his present!! N I had to leave it in the office..
All my efforts are wasted.. N i really felt like taking a cab home n just go to sleep!! Instead i spend my last few penny at Causeway Point!!! Dat calms me down a little.

2009-10-22T10:58:00.001-04:00

Today I had some free time so I decided to search for my fiancee's present...
I was actually in a lazy mood to shop.. but i felt like eating the cold storage chicken n my feet brought me to Metro... Actually my initial plan was to buy him a key chain with the letter R. I bought it for someone a few yrs back.. n i really like it coz it has some description on it too. But i juz thought that it may be too small.. So i started to try n see what is the belt price (the ones that he likes).
But it turns out to be quite expensive, for a belt.. N i'm really not too sure which one that he likes... So I source out other thgs.. N i remember what he told me abt his beg..
N then I found a few perfect one.. I'm really scared that he won't likes it.. So i tried to choose somethg similar to the ones that he usually used. The beg is not cheap... So I hope that I make the right choice. And after it was wrapped, i turns out to be so big.. Bigger than the original planned key chain which I could hide in my room. The keychain, btw, is no longer there... So dissapointed.
And then I decided to meet him tomorrow to passed him as an advance present... But to be opened on his birthday instead. Actually he left his hp at work.. So, when he called me, I told him that kalau dah confirm, cannot cancel coz the thg is quite big and I dun want to bring it back n forth... He said okay n promised me not to OT...

2009-10-18T09:01:00.000-04:00

Today is our 2nd year anniversary!!
I'm so happy today.. Coz 2 yrs is a really big deal to me...
We had gone thru ups and downs so much...
And I'm happy that we could make it thru.. We did not get each other a present...
Coz both had little money.. and i thot i should get him something for his birthday..
We didn't do anything much today.. except for maybe choose a dressing table for the wedding.. Coz my mood was spoilt coz he commented on my stomach n abt hari raya..
but actually coz i was feeling bloated already... n the pain had already started for my menses.. which is due today.. but so far nothing comes out...
Not such a great day for anniversary... But its okay...

2009-10-15T04:47:00.000-04:00

And then after the great outing...
He ignored me for three days.. because he only work n sleep...
which makes me mad... because we got no time to talk at all...
And I got something urgent to talk... N he sleeps!!
What make it worst is that when aku skola... and aku ckp dgn dia jgn tido dulu n then he sleeps.. So, on thursday.. he makes ammend n ckp nanti balik kerja dia jumpa aku...
So mood aku pon dah okay balik.... Skali guess what? Tgh aku semangat2... Terus nak jumpa dia at kedai kopi bukit gombak... And then dia alih2 ckp yg kwn dia fairuz tu ada...
Aku pon a bit peng.. Coz aku nk bebual dgn dia.. but dia ckp kwn dia dah kat situ from 5+ so aku thot bdk tu dah nk balik.. So aku lambat2 sikit.. Skali smp aku tgk mcm tgh rancak bebual.. And no chance at all to balik... Haizz.. Nasib.. Nasib... Aku mcm marah tau... Nasib Fairuz nie okay jgk... Tapi dia mcm suka bebual n tknak balik... sambung nya sambung smp kul 9+ and nasib bergerak jgk.. N then wan nk marah aku coz balik nk naik cab!! Padahal aku sebenarnya nk bebual dgn dia.... n then baru aku dpt tau yg dia sebenarnya ada pegi sumwhere... mcm tipu aku gitu coz tk bilang.. nampak sah dah muka guilty.. Boring!!!
Kalau nk kata,, aku mmg the most faithful gf yg ada.. So mmg no prob at all utk sape2 yg stead dgn aku.... Then balik ingat nk bebual kat tepon.. n aku ckp jgn tido.. but dia tido lage!!

2009-10-11T04:32:00.001-04:00

Today.. I had a very happy day...
I already do most of the cleaning yesterday.. n go pasar.. n today, i wanted to go out with Wan.... Tapi ada masalah since Radea ajak aku teman kan dia go dat high tea.. But I can't coz its exactly tgh2 n Wan pulak kerja mlm... And aku really nk spend a peaceful time dgn Wan... but was kind of dissapointing when what you get is a guy playing with the ipod. That is not my fiancee... And we watch the sorority row movie which is not that thrilling at all...
But after dat, when we got to another place... things changed and i know that we both had missed each other much... :)
And our pizza did not came. :(
But today is overall a great day and i went back happy...

2009-10-09T12:46:00.000-04:00

I know that its kind of bad... But today gotta be one of my relief n happiest day...
They are going back to Dubai!!!
I really2 feel that I've been gone thru so much these past one month....
N this is the day...it finally comes...
I feel so bad... As a human, I do make mistakes... I'm sorry aqueelah... I wanted to treat u nice... the same as all my siblings n cousins...
But... its very very difficult... I hope that when u're older, u wld understand whats going on between me n ur mum... I will make amends for it...
Same goes to nieshah... coz afterall... i'm still a normal human being.. I can't afford to be nice to ppl all the time.. I'm nt an angel... Coz I have feelings too...
N anyway.. ptg aku go Kaki Kaki for the foot reflex.. still very painful u know... m then aft dat jumpa radea... mkn KFC... aku bilang dia there's also gd news.. Dewi dah dpt a baby girl!!
N aku ingat nk singgah umah epah.. tapi dia senyap je.. So aku pon tk jadi lah...
Wan lage senyap.. buatkan aku marah je.. tapi nasib aku tau yg dia not feeling well...
Kadang2 risau jgk asal dia asyik nt feeling well aje... Haizz...

2009-10-06T12:17:00.000-04:00

Today i met wan.. he's actually supposed to work pagi...
But he text me in the morning saying that he actually forgot that dia ada 2 days course...
So now dia dah missed satu n today dia kena balik...
Aku suroh dia balik rupanya dia tk balik... Dia gi main game smp ptg..Aku balik..
N we go to dhoby ghaut... to redeem my so-called prizes.. Luckily... aku dpt lepas.. no need to stay for one & half hr... hehe..
Prize pon bknnya betol.. then we eat bk n went back...
Masa dlm train tu lah.. ada salah faham psl anak dia.. N aku was really sad...
Aku pon tk tau whether worth it or not.. Coz i married him not to become a stepmum...
Dia salah faham.. I dun hav anything against he daughter... N...
I like children.. but not spoilt children...
I just hope that everythg would went well after marriage...
I really dun feel like having a tortured life even after marriage...
If not, why wld ppl get married at all kan?? N typical of him... He would just sleep it off while i keep on crying & thinking abt the matter...
Typical. Very typical...

2009-10-04T00:31:00.000-04:00

Aku bgn dgn good mood today....
Coz aku boleh keluar senang.. Uda dah smp!!
Aku pon kejutkan Athirah...
N we play laptop outside... Aman & damai...
Nanti aku nk keluar dgn wan pegi umah makcik dia n umah angah...
Rupanya ingatkan panas hingga ke petang.. rupanya hujan di tgh hari...
Kau imagine lah... Aku dahlah tk mkn breakfast...
N dia mata merah... terus nk hentam aku...
Aku pagi dah tlg sidai kain.. abeh lepas tu dia boleh nk msk dlm bilik suroh aku lage cuci pinggan mangkuk kat tangki!!
Ewah.. ewah... dia yg mkn tadi.. nk suroh aku.. Ingat aku maid dia ke pe...
Dlm byk2 org.. mesti nk suroh aku ke pe.. dia yg lage tua ke pe... apa mesti aku je yg buat??
N knape dia tk boleh buat sendiri ke?? N bila aku hegeh2.. terus dia msk dlm bilik aku lage lah!!!
Dia ckp nanti aku nk buat laz minute... dah nk keluar.. tk buat kerja pape.. yelah... punya peng lah aku... nk attack aku bila org tkda kat dlm bilik!!
Aku mmg sengaja tknak buat.. Coz ikutkan aku nya degil nie.. mmg aku won't/refuse to take orders from her. Sedangkan family aku sendiri aku leh defy tau.. Apa kan lage dia...
N aku sengaja buang sampah kat luar n nangis... pastu msk dlm... maki2 under my breathe...
Such a fucking bitch kan?? Asal ehk dpt makcik mcm gini?
Terus mood aku spoil the whole day.. Tgk Aqueelah pon aku marah...
Abeh pastu kena tgk anak wan lage... Satu image yg susah aku nk telan...
N she doesn't even seems like she like me wearing tudung.
Then bwk anak dia dtg umah angah.. n everybody was saying like dat is my daughter n nk kena ungkit sumer kisah2 lama... Do i look like i care abt kamal n his wife?????????????
Do I Care???????? Dahlah benci aku just to hear abt the names...
Aku pon tk tau lah... Just not my day lah today...
Aku rasa aku dah nearly nk go into depression...
Dapat laki pon yg tk supportive.. N thinks of himself je...
Tk tau dilemma seorang perempuan tu mcm mana... Consider he's lucky lah dpt stress free kahwin dgn aku.. Aku yg sorg kena byk worries...

2009-10-03T13:16:00.002-04:00

I'm so excited today!!
Today first time dpt jalan raya dgn Wan & My friends from school...
So happy.. dpt kenal kan dgn tunang lah katakan...
Coz aku tk jemput dorang pe masa aku tunang...
Then smlm dpt tau yg May nya wedding is today... So terkelam kabut lah aku sikit...
Tapi aku sebenarnya happy dpt escape mak busu.. haha...
So.. pagi mak wan dah pakai kereta nk pegi check up kat poly...
N then aku dah kejut wan.. dia pon naik kereta amek aku...
Aku dah really excited... Sempat beli stepper exercise machine from Ebay.
Org dia hantar kat umah..
Then bila wan dah smp.. Aku ingat nk suroh dia singgah.. tapi psl dah lambat.. so tk payah lah...
Terus isi minyak n go to Simei nya wedding...
From there terus pegi umah fifi at Pasir Ris.. N as usual... comments2 yg aku tknak dgr...
Tapi tkpelah.. Major mistake.. aku terbiarkan wan sorang kat luar... Lupa lak yg dia first time...
Then terus proceed to next house... Abeh bila dh ptg, dah pening kepala pulak.. Benci aku kalau dah pening smp gitu... Then terus by the time nk smp umah kiya je... Aku dah tk tahan.. n aku dgn wan pon terpaksa balik... Tk continue...
Tapi kita bkn balik terus.. Cuma rest jap, beli teh tarik n then singgah umah parents dia pulak.
Baru terus gi umah abah. Balik nearly after midnight.... So tired....
Tgh tunggu uda & athirah dtg je...

2009-09-29T12:48:00.002-04:00

I think my life is very difficult now...
I think I could not FOCUS... In times like dis, I wish I had a mum... A perfect family...
But dats not gonna happened...
I really hate the bitches in my life.. Since aku secondary sch.. mesti je ada org nk target aku.. Start from Ustzh Yati to Christine Pizza Hut and Mak Busu..
N as kat tempat kerja.. Aku tk tau who is more bitcher... Joanna or Sharon..
Aku tk sangka aft all these sufferings.. comes a person more viscious that anyone that I've ever met!
Which is Mak Busu... Aku tk sangka........ N she's consider an Aunt!!
What the helll....
I really2 need a house right now.. Desperately seeking...
I hope Tuhan bukakkan aku pintu rezeki seluas-luasnya... Aku tknak forever hidup dlm keadaan sebegini.. Like ppl think that I owe them..
Padahal its not my fault that my fate is like dis!!!
So I have to change my fate...
Aku seboleh bolehnya tknk menumpang kat rumah sesiapa lage...
Its juz my luck dat I got such an un-supportive spouse...
Not a word of kindness or comfort from him........
Now i've realized that I could not depend on him.
In fact, he's the one depending on me... I dunno whether this is called LOVE?
Or is it something else? I'm tired to see that Wan tk pernah usaha utk apa yg dia nak....
I think he is used to ppl giving him wat he wants...
Now my family kind of dun like him.. Coz dia tk pernah nk amek hati family aku...
Now....... what shall I do?
Wan tk pernah rasa apa yg aku rasa selama nie...
Dia mana pernah ada kesusahan.. Cuma ex wife dia je yg buatkan kesusahan dlm hidup dia... Maybe ada hikmah jgk.. Kalau tk, dia tkkan pernah wakes up...
Aku still sayang dia sama.. Cuma maybe.. Ada yg lain...
Aku hope.. Kita kuat utk hadapi ini semua...
Our 2nd year anniversary is also coming... I wonder whether it will make us closer or further away.. Skrg pon dah rasa jauh... coz jarang bebual n jumpa anymore...

2009-09-21T12:33:00.000-04:00

Today is second day raya.. Pagi2 je dah ada problem lage!! Nasib baik lah dorang nk keluar beraya...
Haizzz.. Nasib.. Nasib... I reaallly hate to be in this kind of situation!! Niari ada byk org dtg jgk...
So at least okay sikit.. Bsk dah kerja..Yay.. Yay..! First time aku tk sabar nk dtg balik kerja!! Wan tk dtg umah aku.. so nenek asyik bising je.. Haizz....

2009-09-20T12:26:00.002-04:00

Aku dah agak dah yg aku akan sakit hati pada ptg raya...
Everythg is dissapointing since i'm alone at home and that bitch is alwayz attacking me!!! I really2 hate it!!!
Perangai mmg tk berubah2 walaupon umur dah tua n anak dah nk msk dua!!
N she is born to be bossy and she is teaching her daughter to be the same!!
It will go on for generations and generations...
First day raya.. mmg dah ada lots of problems... I am so unhappy!!
I wish that I'm married n could be with Wan.. But Wan is so dissapointing too..
Tk wish aku pon Selamat Hari Raya...
Then I got a flu n I slept while nek uda & family dtg... Haizzz....
Uda & family pon tkda.. It's so boring!!!
The whole day is like a disaster and I did not enjoy it a bit... Nasiblah aku tk amek pape leave this year..

2009-09-20T09:00:00.000-04:00

Alhamdullillah... Dpt jgk aku sambut hari raya today...
N dpt jgk aku kasi mak wan kueh seperti yg dijanjikan... This is the hari raya thet aku sambut as wan's fiancee... Hopefully everythg wld went well today... & seterusnya...
Amin...
SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI 2009 UTK SEMUA!!
MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN.

2009-09-19T14:21:00.002-04:00

Life was hectic these past few days from last week...
Took a lot leave utk buat kueh...
Initially I do not enjoy this coz mak busu balik early from Dubai...
Gosh... buat kueh lage... Aqueelah kacau...
Perangai mmg tk berubah walaupon anak dah nk msk dua...
Still so bossy & infuriating... Aku mmg nk lari umah angah...
Tapi tk sempat dia dah balik siang...
N aku rasa.. dia mmg tk suka kita tgl situ.. haha..
Kau tunggu jelah nxt yr aku beli umah... Tk payah nk bother sumer org lage!!

Monday.. very hectic.. nk abiskan kerja before aku leave... colleagues sumer mcm sial... Dah tau aku puasa n all.. Tapi kasi aku stress... Aku wonder knape ehk aku yg mcm byk buat kerja kat company tu?? Benci.. Esp Sharon and 2nd Joanna.. psl dia kuncu Sharon.

Alhamdullilah.. kueh berjaya siap on time.. sumer dah collect...
Tapi untung tk memadai... On wed dpt pegi geylang.. beli langsir utk bridal room..
Cantik! Now tgl tunggu beli cadar je...
On thurs morning, wan amek aku from work........ so nice of my dear...
Love you... Kdg2 boleh buat aku marah bila malas... tapi i knw dat in watever he do, he will think of me... Then balik nk kena hantar cake to Sharmila (leceh!) and buka seoul garden dgn limah & syimah...
Now tgl masak juadah utk hari raya.. Nasib tk penat sgt.. malas tau kalau org buat kerja n tk tau nk kemas sendiri... boring!! Umur dah lanjut...
N pls jgn nk suroh2 aku... I'm not your maid okay!! Malas nk layan org2 mcm gini...
I think I hate Mak busu tu same like I hate Sharon.
When they are ard, there is some kind of a heavy feeling in my heart.

2009-09-04T01:50:00.002-04:00

Today... I got to buka with wan at Swensens.. Skali terjumpa mak andam aku pulak kat situ... Kak Juls...
Then aku pegi beli brg utk bwk to wan's mum... Kesian aku tgk cik terbaring je at sofa...
Aku belikan dia pati ikan haruan n she drank it... ckp terima kasih kat aku...
Makcik & Pakcik is a sweet couple lah.. Cuma kesian anak2 tk brape rapat sgt dgn dorg...
Except for maybe Jamil...
Bpk dia pon ckp dgn aku psl dia nk kasi wan S$10K utk beli kereta...
Aku mmg lah rasa okay.. tapi aku rasa sayang... Kan lebih baik duit S$10K tu buat utk duit kita kahwin... Yg tk tau entah cukup ke tak...
My fiancee's feeling? Juz say that maybe his feelings is void... Kdg2 tk faham lah...
Maybe dia ada some past issues with them...
Hopefully bila dia dah lama2 dgn aku.. his feelings wld be more... nt towards me aje but towards his parents...
Of course I love my fiancee very much no matter what happens...

2009-09-02T04:51:00.002-04:00

I had fun yesterday... After the GST seminar is a bit hectic...
Nak terkejar2 ke sana & ke mari... First go bank, n then go admiralty bank...
Then go to sinderella shoes...
Then got to go Kaki Kaki for foot reflex... Its damn painful... my left feet..
Stress sey... Then aku mit Radea.. Arnold dah full...
But the last part was fun.. Dpt jgk mkn Arnolds!! Woohoohoo....
So yummy!! Why ehk?
At last balik nearly kul 11 pm...
Hopefully dis sat dpt keluar dgn wan lage best & meaningful...

2009-08-28T13:46:00.002-04:00

Remember those walls I built...

Well, baby they're tumbling down...
And they didn't even put up a fight!
They didn't even make up a sound...
I found a way to let you in...
But I never really had a doubt.

Standing in the light of your halo...
I got my angel now!
It's like I've been awakened...
Every rule I had you breakin'...
It's the risk that I'm takin'...
I ain't never gonna shut you out!

Everywhere I'm looking now...
I'm surrounded by your embrace...
Baby I can see your halo...
You know you're my saving grace...

You're everything I need and more...

It's written all over your face...
Baby I can feel your halo... Pray it won't fade away!

I can feel your halo halo halo... I can see your halo halo halo... I can feel your halo halo... halo... I can see your halo halo halo...

Hit me like a ray of sun.. Burning through my darkest night...
You're the only one that I want...
Think I'm addicted to your light...
I swore I'd never fall again...

But this don't even feel like falling...
Gravity can't forget... To pull me back to the ground again...

Feels like I've been awakened...
Every rule I had you breakin'...
The risk that I'm takin'...
I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now...
I'm surrounded by your embrace...

Baby I can see your halo...
You know you're my saving grace!!
You're everything I need and more...
It's written all over your face...
Baby I can feel your halo...
Pray it won't fade away...

I can feel your halo halo halo...
I can see your halo halo halo...
I can feel your halo halo halo...
I can see your halo halo...

2009-08-25T21:54:00.001-04:00

Just four simple words from him.. And it can really make my day... :)

2009-08-22T01:30:00.000-04:00

I did not manage to go the car lucky draw today... Its so sad... I really really want that car.. to the point of desperation.
I want the extra money.. I need to buy a house... Ouh my...
Its really sad... We do not have enough money... I just need a little bit of money...
Pls God help us... We need to start a new life...
Please give us a chance to start a new life... to build a family...

2009-08-19T01:25:00.000-04:00

My stomach still hurts a bit today...
N today is the first day of my cost accounting class.
I hope the teacher is much more better than Mr Bala.
N it seems that he's better... His teachings are much more clearer...
This week I got 3 days class... wow!! Nie blom puasa lage...
For next week... I got 4 days of class...!!!
Tired lah.. dis is all Mr Bala.. he postpone class so many times...
N drag it till the fasting month...

2009-08-18T01:19:00.000-04:00

Today I'm feeling more emotional...
Coz my stomach hurts very badly and my body is aching...
I miss him so much... I wish he was here with me...
I hope that 6th June would come very fast and I do not need to endure this much longer...
I love him so much that it hurts me not to be with him everyday...
I was juz thinking this morning how fun it is to be a housewife and we could shop/go market together and we could cook together...
Makes me smile thinking of it...

2009-08-17T01:11:00.000-04:00

Today i went out with my fiancee...
After I went to book the cake for our wedding...
Also I was feeling very weak today but I still want to spend time wif him...
Haizzz... I felt so sad when I drop him off at Wdls MRT...
Kau after aku dah salam dia, he do not wanna let go of my hand.
Maybe coz I couldn't bear to part with him... Dats what happens when u love a person too much... So I thot even if I would die tomorrow, I would still be thankful that I had find my soulmate although I would be happier if I could die as his wife.
Then we could even be together in heavens... amin...

2009-08-14T09:32:00.000-04:00

Haizzz... Its friday today yet i'm super busy at work...
And I OT at work till 8 pm... nasib dpt naik cab... And I can claim...
Dahlah kepala pening nk muntah coz haven't eat anythg since morning...
Hope my boss will see that i'm the most hardworking of all...

2009-08-09T09:30:00.000-04:00

HAPPY NATIONAL DAY TO SINGAPORE!!!
HAPPY 44TH BIRTHDAY....

2009-08-08T09:22:00.000-04:00

Hi blog....

I think that I always forget you when i'm busy...
I am now thinking abt our house... and also room decor and wedding cake...
Life is pretty busy with this accounts course...
Its making me headache...
Today I went out with him... Happy... Spend time wif him he can release stress...
Go gym (contour express) before meeting him.. Nearby his hse aje...
Aku pelik lah... When did I gain so much weight?!
But very expensive lah... I dun think Wan kasi aku sign up... Haizzz....
Mcm mana nie aku nk lose weight in 6 months?
God pls help me.. Most method doesn't works... Help me lose at least 15 kg... Amin...

2009-08-01T12:22:00.003-04:00

Hi blog... I think I always forget you coz i'm happy nowadays... and I'm super2 busy... with accts class n all... But... I wonder why my nenek likes to membebel? Kdg2 stress...
Maybe nowadays young ppl likes to take thgs more easy.. Coz this world is already so stressful... And she likes to stress on most things... Haizz... Must take it lor...

2009-07-21T04:07:00.002-04:00

I turn my head to the east...
I don't see nobody by my side...
I turn my head to the west...
Still nobody in sight...
So I turn my head to the North...
Swallow that pill that they call pride...
The old me is dead & gone..
But the new me will be all right.

Oh hey.. I've been travelling on this road too long....
Just trying to find my way back home...
But the old me is dead & gone... Dead & Gone...

*You would know that no matter what.. you only have yourself to depend on n your spouse (provided you must find someone who's really gonna be dere for you..)

2009-07-18T04:22:00.001-04:00

Wow.. I'm so happy today...
Just now go out with my fiancee...
Marah pon dah hilang psl dah jumpa...
Then ketawa2... joke around.. kesian dia tk cukup tido...
Then we go eat and watch movie... Obsessed...
then check weight with Jane.. what the fuck.. seems like so fat...
Bored.. tapi still can eat nasi beriyani & ice cream!
What the hell... Haha...
Happy & I miss him a lot...
Maybe dis is what love feels like huh??
Everytime he still looks so cute to me no matter hw tired or busuk or dishevelled or tk terurus he is...
Dats my baby... :)

Another 2 more months n it will be our 2 yrs anniversary... Huhu...

2009-07-17T05:06:00.002-04:00

My fiancee is not a bad person...
But he dunno how to amek hati wanita..
I guess its good that he's not a ladies man...
But it makes me depressed. N sad.
Tapi smlm aku really malu dgn remy..
Psl otak aku serabut jadi mcm gitu.... Malu tau!!!

2009-07-16T10:43:00.003-04:00

My fiancee is a very cruel person...
He does not love me anymore. He doesn't seems happy to hear my voice.
Just now I called him and he does not even talks.
He likes to sleep and he does not even care anymore...
He does not know hw to make a girl happy.
I kept thinking all these words when i put down the fone with him.
And suddenly.. at home... I got to know that I lost my hp.
Now my fiancee makes me lost my hp. And Remy have to clear up the mess for me and fetch the hp for me.

2009-07-15T10:46:00.003-04:00

Its difficult to have a fiancee like this.
Always making me unhappy.
What kind of life is this anyway?
Is this the kind of life that he wants?
Sometimes u will question the meaning of love... with a person who always seems like he doesn't care at all. In his everyday life dia cuma buat:
1) Tido
2) Smoke
3) Mkn (sekali sekala aje)
4) Kerja inc. OT
5) Minum coke
6) Sex
7) Watch porn/gore
8) bebual dgn aku sekali sekala
9) watch movie dat he likes
10) Jln sorg2
11) Play IPOD when he's nt doing all the thgs above.
Mcm tkda benda tk berfaedah kan?

2009-07-14T10:49:00.000-04:00

I think its a chance meeting.
Its definitely fate. When he came to take the perfume, Remy seems to get along well with my grandma, uncle and auntie.
N how did he suddenly became my dad's colleague.
Suddenly, he knows everyone in my family. Dat is kind of scary.
N he is really kind... he helps me sell the perfume too.
Brought me to a clinic and hear abt my problems... n he told me he could bring me to JB and even to the kubur coz he alwayz visits his father's grave and I could visit my mum n my grandpa.
He seems kind of sumthg... coz he didn't get to know me earlier.. before i became someone else fiancee...
But... my heart only belongs to one and nothing cld change that...(even though he's nt as gd as the others).
If he is okay, I will let him get to know my sister.

2009-06-26T22:31:00.002-04:00

On Monday....
I celebrated my 23rd birthday wif my fiancee...
It does nt went off to a gd start... N we met our videoman first...
But after that... it went okay... we bonded over the day... N makes us closer...
It was great... He's such a sweet guy...
Ada satu part nie... I think he kinda cried when he told me that he dunno what he wld do without me.. and dat he's afraid of losing me... Aww... dat literally melts my heart...
N aft dat, almost everyday he fetch me either to work or from work... :)
Everyday is almost filled with laughter...
Only on thursday did sumthg worst nearly happened... N i swear, i wld try not to make him rent a car again... coz its partly my fault... N i'm worried sick abt him...
N i hope that it won't happened again!!!
Now i'm thinking of money again... N where to get more money...
Oh!! I'm such a money minded freak!!
But what to do.. nowadays... everythg needs money....

2009-06-21T11:23:00.000-04:00

Happy 23rd birthday to me!!
This is the year I celebrated as a fiancee...
So happy... :) :)
Coz I love him so much...
Next year... I will celebrate it as his wife pulak...
Tk sabar nya...
Hopefully I could have a happy and blissful live ever after...
Full of happiness and achivements and blessings...

2009-06-19T11:33:00.001-04:00

ALL THE THINGS THAT I SHOULD LOOK FORWARD TOO TO MAKE MY LIFE MORE MEANINGFUL:

1) 21st June: My 23rd Birthday!!
2) 22nd June: Spend time & relax
3) 23rd June: Accounting course
4) 28th June: Volunteer work
5) 1st July: GST Credit & Pay
6) 1st wk of July: Meet up with Friends/facial
7) 15th Aug: Take baju frm tailor @ JB
8) Middle of Aug: Book bridal spa package
9) 22nd Aug: Start of fasting
10) 20th Sept: Hari Raya Aidilfitri
11) 27th Oct: My dear birthday!!!
12) Hari Raya Haji, and all year end holidays...
13) 6th Dec: Book MPH/take up driving license...
14) Dec/Jan: Buy hantaran dulang
15) End of Jan '10: Another payrise!!
16) Feb '10: Studio photoshoot/selection of clothes
17) March '10: Berkat and wedding cards and finishing my accounts course... Insyallah!!!
18) Early June '10: Final fittings, facial n spa...
19) 6th of June 2010: My fairytale wedding!!!!
20) 7th of June: Off for honeymoon...
21) 21st June: My 24th Birthday as a wife!!!

2009-06-18T10:52:00.002-04:00

I never needed you to be strong...
I never needed you for pointing out my wrongs....
I never needed pain, I never needed strength...
My love for you was strong enough you should have known...

I never needed you for judgements...
I never needed you to question what I spent....
I never ask for help, I take care of myself...
I don't know why you think you've got a hold on me...

And its a little late for conversations...
There isn't anything for you to say...
And my eye's hurt, my hand's shiver...
So look at me and listen to me....

I never needed your corrections...
On everything from how I act to what I say...
I never needed words
I never needed hurts
I never needed you to be there everyday....

I'm sorry for the way I let go...
From everything I wanted when you came along....
But I'm never beaten... Broken not defeated...
I know next to you is not where I belong...

And it's a little late for explanations...
There isn't anythg that you can do...
And my eye's hurt, and hand's shiver....
So you will listen when I say....

2009-06-15T04:00:00.000-04:00

I never thought... I'd... be in love like this...
When I look at you my mind goes on trip...
And you came in... and knocked me on my face...
Feels like i'm in a race....
But I already won first place...

I never thought I'd... wld fall for you hard as I did...
You got me thinking about our life, our house and our kids....
Every morning I look at you and I smile...
Cause boy you come around and you knocked me down.... knocked me down....

2009-06-13T06:41:00.002-04:00

Aku skrg nie makin worried...
My skin condition had gotten so bad....
I want it to be okay....
N then also my face.. dun want it to be so puffy...
Dahlah shape muka tk brape cantik...
Walaupon aku yakin yg aku sememang nya ada muka yg cantik...
Tu sebab nk kene jaga... tk boleh malas....
Mestilah hancur nanti....

Nanti on 23rd June aku dh start skola...
Two times a wk plak tu.... dah start busy lah....
hopefully aku dpt ilmu yg berkat n senang nk msk... Amin...

Nw going to be so busy.. aku nk kene plan days aku btol2...
Like facial, spas... Nk jumpa tunang aku... Puasa & Hari Raya...
Pheww... macam2 to look forward to till end of this year...
Then look forward to 6th of June 2010....

Dpt gd news yg next year byk long weekends... Alhamdulillah!!!
Best!! Next year looks set to be a gd year...

Cuma satu je yg aku still can't figure out....
Whether nk ada anak cepat atau lambat....
Tgk org2 ada anak... Mcm May.. mcm nk anak jgk...
Tapi aku pon nk concentrate on other thgs jgk....
Is 25 a gd age to be a mum? Am I ready to be a mum?

2009-06-12T06:12:00.000-04:00

Dear blog...

This is such a busy week...
Sejak aku naik pangkat nie... there's a lot of thgs to do...
N still I heard dat bitch complains & complains....
Why uh? Kene kerja kat luar mmg lah penat sikit....
Tapi yg penting, she can't msn, watch movie/drama and talk on the phone...
It irritates me when she's at the office lah...
N it seems that i find it better for the boss to be in office rather than her....
Haizzz... pelik lah aku...
Wonder why aku asyik complain psl dia aje huh??
N Joanna.. she did irritates me a bit.. but sumtimes, she make it up to me...
So mcm tk rasa sgt.... Sandy pon sama.... kdg2 dia ada belanja aku....

2009-06-10T06:20:00.000-04:00

Hai blog...

Today i took the whole day leave....
But my schedule is very tight....
Actually Monday & Tuesday dah already very busy & tired...
Then bila leave pon aku still bgn kul 8+ am n then busy... buat kerja rumah n main game n then dah lanbat to mit abg fad and then rupa2 nya family dia dah siap...
Mcm malu pon adalah... N then skali tunang aku nie susah nk communicate lah...
Smp aku marah ckp dia selfish... Ada ke dia biarkan aku diri kat aftnoon sun yg panas for half an hour.... Bkn nk sms ke ckp lambat sikit.. Leh aku diri dlm aircon...
Nie ku ingatkan dia dh nk smp.. coz umah dia bknnya jauh...
Then pastu dh smp geylang... mak dia singgah pasar first... beli ikan...
N then mkn kat hajah maimunah.. n then terus... pergi kat tempah decor tu...
Tapi sempat singgah at kedai cake....
Pastu... baru gi TKC... at last dpt book katil... haha... mmg aku ckp siang... tapi wan dah suka... lage pon quality n dpt murah....
bayar deposit S$50 je....
Pastu mak dia n family balik.. kita jalan2 kat TKC jap n mkn kat haig rd...
Jumpa Radea.. then proceed to bedok... To Mak Andam house...
Dah look n see n book.. Okay lah... dia amek baju frm Lyanaz Bridal...
But so far tgk lyanaz bridal... the make up nt so gd... n tudung also nt so nice...
hehe... so three thgs covered in a day...
Then dpt contact for video... quite cheap...
Mostly sumer dah covered.... Now tgl concentrate on studies....
Hehe... Tk sabar nk tunggu nxt yr... nk kene lose weight n keep a healthy skin...
woohoo!!!

2009-06-03T05:08:00.002-04:00

Kadang2 aku rasa... Wan nie mmg susah nk faham perasaan aku.
Tapi tk boleh nk salahkan dia lah... Org dia mmg mcm gitu.
Kalau terus terusan, aku mesti gaduh dgn dia....
I think leading my own life is better.. No need to confide anythg in him.
Life what I feel & all...
Dia bknnya faham. Some more aku bknnya ckp mak dia jahat.
Aku juz state aku nya point..... Knape aku perasaan mcm gitu....
Then nanti tk psl2 dia nk tuduh aku tk suka anak dia pulak...
Hmm... susah jgk.. mcm nk give up... Tapi kalau aku give up, bermakna aku kalah...
Actually family dia nt dat bad... So maybe aku juz buat bodoh jelah...
Leading my own life....
Maseh jauh lage perjalanan hidup aku... Byk lage yg harus aku achieve....
Utk mati meninggalkan nama....
Maybe Wan mmg ditakdirkan hidup gini.... Tk faham apa yg org lain rasa & ikut perasaan sendiri.
Tak fikir before doing anythg... Asal lantak dia jelah... Haizzz....
Nowadays workload quite high... Hari2 penat.... Tido pon lambat....
Complexion pon dah makin bad.... Stress!!
Byk benda nk buat & fikirkan... Bookings to be made....

2009-06-02T11:52:00.003-04:00

Alhamdulillah.. dah dpt naik gaji...
Tapi dis whole catering thgs are making me crazy!!!
I hope that everythg is enough and went well...
Aku risau dgn wan jgk.. hope dia boleh save duit as per agreement...
Amin...
Tapi naik gaji pon dlm 1 day dh nk dekat half habis... Boring!!!
Nk kene belanja org... Beli tu, beli nie...

2009-05-29T04:54:00.002-04:00

Haiyo... What a tiring day and a tiring week!!
Got a little sleep and my skin becomes so bad already.
Since i'm handling it all alone now... I want everythg to be in place...
Can't wait for the weekend and the Johore trip!!
Bsk i got some appointments to do and made.. Need to cash out cheques...
In a few days will be June already... which is a breaking point for us...
We need to do bookings fast and try to clear all downpayments by June...
Amin... Pls help us..

2009-05-26T04:15:00.001-04:00

Hi blog...

Sorry for being lazy to update nowadays...
Always so busy leh...
Today is the day... My boss wants to talk to us abt the job & increment...
Woohohoo...
But so bz today and then kena scolded 2 times, then at last went in to his room...
Got 2 gd new... which is bigger job scope + take up courses in accounts (SDF + Company sponsored) + 2 time increment (1st May '09 and 1st of Jan '10).

So.. for the first one... we asked for S$150.00.
So it would make my total pay to S$1,800.00.
Wow.. Alhamdulillah... Syukur byk2...
Now in another 7 mths will get another increment...
It's not such a bad achievement for a 23 yr old right?
I promise i won't be a takbur person... won't be proud of my achievements...
Would still respect him even though later I'm earning more than him...
Hopefully aft this, cld secure a gd & better job in future... Amin...

2009-05-23T08:58:00.002-04:00

Dear blog...

Sorry for the long absence to blog...

So many thgs had happened this week...

1) I have laminate the certs.
2) Took 2 half days to survey wedding
3) He was late both days.. makes me cry.
4) Everythg is spoilt.
5) No mood to do anythg... No place to survey.
6) Not enjoying moment with him...
7) Had to lie to his mum.. to wake him up!!
8) A false alarm...
9) A near trouble with my boss...
10) First time he fetch me from work... So very happy!!
11) Car accident.. need to fork out money...
12) A mendaki orientation... feels out of place...

2009-05-16T08:40:00.000-04:00

Today is the last day of the kursus perkahwinan...
So seronok to get the cert of completion... woohoo!!
Aku tk tau wan concentrate tk... Tapi aku hopes dia treat it seriously...
Psl dia punya org nie cuma ok bila dia happy2 dgn aku je.... Bila ada masalah nanti dia yg menggelabah... Tu yg aku tk brape suka...
Aku hope Wan akan jadi seorang suami yg baik & mithali... Amin...

2009-05-07T23:29:00.002-04:00

Dear Blog,
As you could see.. my mood is already not so gd today!!!
I don't knw why is it that my life is so difficult!!!
And everythg i do is like I can't do. Can't do this and can't do that...
Although it might seems like a normal thg to do.
I guess that not many ppl wld understand this...

I wanted a diff kind of life. Although I must alwayz remember that there are still more unfortunate poorer ppl out there, they can alwayz change their fate... by working hard, ppl suffering of illness, can alwayz try & find medicine, stupid ppl can alwayz try to study hard, ugly ppl can alwayz go for plastic surgery.... but for ppl like me, born into this kind of family...
How do you chg ur fate?
Alwayz & alwayz rebel?
Smp bila? Then why do u waste all ur life following what they want & still its not enough for them?

Then talking abt my fiancee.. He's alwayz thinking of himself and he simply dun understand me coz even though he's like that, makes big mistakes.. he cld alwayz stay inside his room and his family won't bother, nag or say anythg much to him.. Juz let him be in his own world.
But for me.. their words are alwayz so hurtful. I can't even have any peacefulness whenever i stay in the family. I kind of hate them but i try to shake off the feelings. Hw cld you hate ur own family kan?

But... why must father be wali to daughter? I dun feel like looking at him at my nikah. Why is it so difficult huh? Why can't I have my mum back?? If father is gone, I am sure that I won't have this kind of problem... Maybe it wld be a better place for me to live, not regretting being born into this kind of family...

I don't know why ppl do not understand... but even my fiancee is acting like he doesn't care.. fine lah.. if he doesn't care that he can't meet me... then just go n play his games 24 hrs till he dies!! Why even bothered to get married? Then its okay with him lah?
Doesn't even care abt my feelings like what I feel if I can't meet him? Does he thinks that he's so special or what?? I hate him when he acts like that. So Ignorant! Only because of him inside my life that I am able to continue all this shit, endure all this shit... N now... he can so easy says thgs that I dun wanna hear! Pelik lah aku with ppl!!

Now.. I dunno what am i gonna do?? Do I decide to nikah aje or what? Who's gonna support me in all these thgs??

2009-05-02T09:23:00.002-04:00

Today.... is the day of the course...
Its called "memupuk kasih".
But... it started off fine... But at last..
At the end of the day... Wan still manages to spoil my mood.
Kdg2 aku rasa.. which switch yg went off.. smp he behaves that way?
At last.. i'm so cranky... N it really pisses me off...
N in the end... he still wants to be pissed off too.

Actually, I learn quite a lot today... but i'm lazy to go thru the details...
Its so called the basic of marriages... n re-marriages.
But aku pelik... what did he learnt today? Its like msk telinga kanan & keluar telinga kiri... Y did he still do it thgs that had been done in the past?
Repeating the same thg again... Tu lah yg aku hate!!
Somethg alwayz a last minute person... :(
Its okay.. since i'm still mad, I better go to sleep now...

2009-04-26T08:57:00.003-04:00

Its really weird...
Even when i feel like what he did, are truly getting on my nerves...
I still find it CUTE.
Like yesterday.. He wld be blur, n agitated n fumbling abt...
Scolding ppl when he did nt get thgs right...
N i watched him with amusement...
But still, i feel like laughing & hugging him tight...
Whoah... I must be crazy!!
Or crazy in love... :)
I should nvr doubt his love towards me...
Maybe the care that he showed is a little different from others...
Actually, i'm just happy being with him... :)

2009-04-19T12:30:00.002-04:00

Hi blog... so much has happened this week...
Biasalah.. ups & downs with Wan... Sometimes...
I feel that he does not care enough...
At home.. still normal.. nagging a lot frm grandma...
At work.. still the same loads of work & colleagues...
On Monday, me & him had already applied for a HDB flat...
Hope that we will succeed in getting a gd number...
That's my greatest wish... To own my own house...
Set up a family... Huhu!!
Today tgk wyg with him at Vivocity.. Cerita too fast too furious...
I miss him a lot sey...

2009-04-15T12:11:00.003-04:00

Dear blog...

I have so many thgs to rant abt lately....
I know that i should be someone yg sentiasa bersyukur...
But thgs are really hard...
But still i'm happy to be married next year... :)
N i got a nice kain to wear.. thks to my mum-in-law!

1) Sometimes Sharon cld manage to make me so mad.. Even when she's doing such small thgs... Dats the power of HATE.
2) Nenek. I am actually clueless on what she wants... N apa yg dia tk puas hati...
Suka nk carik kesalahan org lain... Nk membebel 24 jam... Kutuk2 org...
Still, aku kene byk bersabar.. Coz she's my elder...
3) Wan. Lately he does thgs blindly.. N hurt my feelings. I hate that.
Dis mth, nvr save any money...
4) Pimples. Keeps on popping up.. Its really killing me!!!

2009-04-11T07:58:00.002-04:00

Today is saturday...
And the 2nd day of holiday...
And I was thinking of going out with him...
And mmg hari tu dia dah janji aku... Bila dlm taxi...
So.. dhlah smlm dia tk kol or msg... so aku mmg mendak kat dlm rumah...
And then hari nie.. aku mmg tk kacau dia pagi coz aku tau dia balik kerja mlm and he needs to sleep... Aku ingat aku nk pegi far east dulu je anuh kaki aku...
Then aft that bila dia dh bgn n siap, he cld just meet me at far east...
But at least ard 2.20 pm dia dh bgn... quite early.. so aku ckp dgn dia juz siap jelah...
then meet aku kat far east... Then aku kol2 tk angkat... aku mcm dh suspect sumthg...
But then betol lah sangkaan aku.. rupanya dia tido smp kul 4+!!
What the hell... Aku adalah dh patah balik umah tadi amek cincin to wear for him...
Then my long holidays this weekend will be wasted je tk keluar... Haizz.. Dissapointed lah!!!
Dats why aku dh ternangis tadi dlm train... Buat malu je...

2009-04-09T07:43:00.003-04:00

Today.. wan's mother bekalkan makanan utk balas balik tepen yg kita kasi dia masa hari tunang... Mak dia kasi lopes and epok2...
Then mak dia pon belikan aku present...
Kain ela utk jahit jadi baju... And its like so nice and so pretty...
I'm so touched!!
I've nvr wore or bought anythg so beautiful before...
Not in my 22 years and 10 months of living in this world..
Its like i'm so touched... Thk you so much mum-in-law...
Then aku kol mak dia to say thk you...
And then mak dia ckp she bought a pink kain for Wan jgk...
So that we both cld be a matching couple... Time hari raya...
Wow... his mum is so considerate...
But his mum told me he dun wanna wear.. And I was quite upset by it...
Coz even though he doesn't like pink... but his mum dah beli kan...
But at last when i msg him, dia ckp dia will wear it...
Since dah beli.. Hehe...
Tk sabar to see us wearing it... Its like the perfect couple!!

2009-03-30T07:50:00.002-04:00

Alhamdulillah... I'm so happy...
Everything went on so smoothly...
Now... I'm officially Ridzwan's fiancee...
That's an honourable title!!

I'm so glad that we have make it to this stage...
Its very great feeling...
Now is the new beginning for us...
And we have a path to create...
We must thread & plan it carefully...
Next year I will be 24 and he will be 35.

I can't believe that Wan's dad is so nice...
He still wants to sponsor a bit of money for our wedding.
It will ease the burden of our wedding a lot...
He even wants to give Wan the downpayment for his car.
Even though he's not so nice to Wan dulu...
But it proves that he still have a heart and loves his son...
I'm glad that he will be my father in law.
Wan's mum is also nice to me.

Thk God for everythg that he had given me.
I hope that I could be a gd servant to you.
A good wife, a good mother, a gd daughter in law, a gd grand daughter, a gd sister/in-law, a gd employee... everything...

2009-03-28T13:15:00.001-04:00

The day has finally arrived...
I'm so excited to be his fiancee... But God... Pls clear up my face...
Amin...
I will do my very best best. Jiayou!

2009-03-27T08:46:00.003-04:00

Hi Blog...
I'm happy... In two days.. I will be tunangan org already...
And... In a year time... Hopefully, I will be Ridzwan's wife...
And aft that... I think mmg dh ternyata n tertulis yg jodoh aku bkn dia.... Norhasri....
I can't believe that I'm so naive as if to fall for him... He's heartless enough to leave me alone in this world... Full of sadness... That was the time...
I hope I cld forget every piece of memory that I had with him. N let it remains that way.
There is nothing to lose... because Ridzwan loves me a million times more n he is a million times better than him...
_______________________________________________

Di dalam kesunyian... Ku rasa gelombang nya...
Menyintaimu... Satu kewajipaan... Tapi tak terluah dgn perkataan...

Tika fajar menyinsing... Ku sentuh sinar kasih...
Dari matamu, dekat & terasing... Aku menanti singkapan tabir cinta...
Aku menanti saat menjadi nyata...

2009-03-26T08:43:00.001-04:00

Haizzz...
Nahar, Nahar...
Maseh tk berubah dari dulu smp skrg...
Proves that at that pt of time you only like me b'coz of my body...
Full of perverted talk on msn...
U and Alfie who likes me the most ryte...
Haha... what an idiot... Lucky that I did not fall for you... :)

2009-03-24T22:46:00.002-04:00

Dear blog...
I will tell you the truth...
I've nvr felt so alone in my life.
Seriously.. My friends all have their own issues with their life and they r not particularly overjoyed with the news... Some take it like.. "Okay, yeah... U're getting married... Dats great.."
Some will call me desperate to get married... that married is not such a nice thing...
So... I guess I wld just like to keep it to myself...
I would do my own thing... Search for my own things...
My family also have their own issues... N my nenek keep on harping abt nk kahwin...
Must chg this and that.. Y can't she juz let it be? Let ppl juz do thgs their own way...
I will ensure that Wan n Me will be very happy together... Insyallah...
We both love each other too much already...

Luckily, my bf is very sweet... I cld feel that he did loves me much much more semenjak kita dh nk dekat2 tunang nie... Sometimes, he wld like to smile to himself.. n then be xtra happy...
Everytime nk jumpa aku n berkepit.. I think juz with my presence, he cld be very happy...
Then I won't mind lah... He's suffered for too long i guess... N I've suffered for too long too...
So we both really treasure each other a lot...

"No MatTeR hOw Much Ur HeArT iS GrIevIng.. iF u KeeP oN bEliEViNg.. tHe dReAm ThaT u WiShed FoR WiLL cOmE tRuE!! ANd Its TRuE.. :)"

2009-03-22T03:48:00.002-04:00

Smlm... My bf was really really sweet to me...
I noticed that this couple of days... Dia slalu je nk melekat dgn aku...
Haha... coz dia love aku...
Then aku tgk kalau nk balik... mesti je dia mcm gelisah...
Rupa-rupanya... dia ckp yg dia slalu susah nk berpisah dgn aku bila nk balik...
Hehehe... So swit kan matair aku...
Then aft dat bila dia dh smp umah, dia kol aku...
N dia ckp yg actually dia mcm tk percaya yg dia nk kahwin dgn aku...
N its such a nice feeling that its indescribable... Wow... Hehe...
Actually aku pon sama... feels that way too...
N then aku cerita kan all those thgs... N i can't believe that he cried too...
I really love him to bits lah...
N I hope that this feeling would last forever...

2009-03-22T01:59:00.002-04:00

Hi ya all...
Yesterday.. On Saturday, 21st of March,
I went to buy a ring with my future mother-in-law...
So happy.. Imagine, its my first ring... And its a tunang ring...
So, to cut it short... We met at Lot 1 and then fetch my bf...
Then we go to Ming Seng Jewellery... Which is so nice...
Since I actually wanted white gold.. N when I reach there, I saw that the gold is
actually not really gold... So I change my mind...
Then, when his mum pointed out a ring, I saw that its actually quite nice...
And I look and look at others too...
And then, I saw one which is very nice... Like i'm attracted to it...
So, I ask to take a look n his mum also said it's very nice...
But.. the price is like S$500+ and I pity my bf...
So.. I tried both rings, n that one really fits my finger!!
So its fated to be with me... And when I saw others, I also that I like that one still...
And then his mum wants to buy for me another ring for everyday wear...
N I dunno what to buy coz I was embarassed n touched... actually...
N Angah pulak dtg n it was an awkward moment pulak...
Aku takut mak dia ingat aku sengaja pulak buat gitu coz aku tk trust mak dia...
So... aft that we went to eat n then we go back...
N me and him watch movie.. which is very boring...

2009-03-19T11:47:00.002-04:00

I dunno what I'm feeling now...
Instead of being happy for me...
Somebody asks me juz now...
"WHY AM I SO DESPERATE TO GET MARRIED?"
Why do I really wanted to get married SO early? Is 24 too early?
Is there such a question exists in my dictionary?
And what I dun understand is... it comes from a married person...
And she is forced to be married... And don't really wanna be married...
Nowadays.. Couples are likely to be forced to be married or terpaksa married...
And I'm not in both categories...

Am I really too clueless?
She keeps on saying abt negative thgs abt marriage (mayb its what she's experiencing now)... Literally like wanted me to chg my mind?
I've done lots of thinking and I've read lots of books...
Me and him had alwayz talk thgs out together...
I've heard n seen lots of experiences...
So what am i lacking? How is it that i'm not ready for marriage?

What is MARRIAGE?
Its alwayz been something that I dream of...
Like practically everthg that I could wish for...
You wld really really really want for a guy to love & protect you...
For the rest of your life...
Start a happy family of your own... Juz continue to live life the way that you want...
Helping others... Seek fulfillment in life...

I dunno hw I got it.. But maybe its from the unhappiness that I experience during my late childhood n almost all my teens yrs and having a happy & beautiful dream is somethg that I really look forward too... (I'm crying as I write this)
Its somethg that I really want... And I hope that I could marry as early as 21...
So that the 21 yrs that I've wasted living in a life that I do not seek...
Will be compensated with the life aft the marriage... Which will be a happy one...
Now I'm already 3 yrs late... But I nvr complain...
I'm still thankful that God met me with somebody that I love and comfortable with not too late...
And the most important is to find your dream guy that you wanna get married with...
And Ridzwan Bin Salim.. He... Is the dream guy... that exists in my life.....
And if my dream guy had already appeared in front of me, is it so wrong for me to want to get married??

I'm so upset right now... I literally cannot write properly with tears in my eyes...
Ppl are making my life so difficult... And all I ever wanted is to get married to someone that I love... Its that such a hard thg to do?
Its better than living in a life of sin... Such as couples co-habiting together...

Ppl doesn't really know me.. What am i feeling? Only I, know myself well...
I really don't get it why ppl doesn't believe in me... keep on hoping to see me fail, wanting me to make a mistake, to regret my decision... But I WONT regret what I've chosen...
I will ALWAYS choose to be married over anythg else... Over career, over a modelling contract, over a celebrity status, over anythg... Provided its with the right guy...
If I'm convinced that he is the one for me, then why shld ppl worry?

There are bounds to be problems aft marriage.. Every marriage will go thru it... But I will do anythg for my marriage to be almost perfect...
I will endure practically everythg that will come in my way...
Even if one fine day, I have to face the most dreaded thg, his ex wife, I will admit to reality... that is my fate... N i won't run away from it... If his mum dun really like me, I will try to make her like me... If his relatives talk bad abt me, I cld still choose to ignore them....

If we had no money to survive, I will find a way to make money, try to control, eat rice n egg everyday... Dats fine with me...
Even if I do not know anythg, lacking in somethg, I willl try to improve myself, do almost everythg that I can do, will try my very best... To be an almost perfect wife.
Even if ppl will always talk.. I will try to close both ears.. pretend not to listen... Dun mind other people's business...

As long as I could wake up, every single day with Ridzwan Bin Salim, beside me....

*Time at 1230 am on 20th of March 2009.

2009-03-18T22:46:00.002-04:00

I really really hate it when he make that kind of tone early in the morning.
Really spoil my mood for the day. I sms him so nicely.. And even if he's so slow to get the msg, then juz drop it till later... Nie tak, nk agitated early in the morning....
Ckp bkn2... mcm aku tk tau, dia tu cepat agitated padahal benda actually tkda pape...

N all b'coz of dat stupid ring.. N no need to bring his mum in the subject lah..
Aku pon tk tau lah mcm mana kalau both side mcm lain2 pendapat. Geram!!!
Dis is all wan's fault. Dia tk tau nk handle situation n nvr understands dats y keadaan jadi mcm gini.
Dia as the person who's getting married, hw cld he be so so blur??
At least he must initially got an idea on what to expect kan??
Stupid!! Geram sey!! Spoil the mood for everythg!!!

2009-03-16T10:32:00.002-04:00

I'm so happy nowadays...
There's nothing more that I could wish for other than this...
It felt so blissful... Another a yr more to go before I cld become his wife...
To start a brand new life together... Is there anythg more that is missing??
I've found my other half.. And he loves me very much... It feels so blessed...
Thk you Allah...
Yippee!!

2009-03-12T23:49:00.001-04:00

Now that my direction of life is already back on it's track..
I must do my very best to create a path that will help me to succeed in this life...
Please let me be a successful and a person that is admire by all...
Amin...

2009-03-11T08:36:00.001-04:00

Today... is one of the happiest day in my life...

Wan... he suddenly so interested on asking me questions abt wedding...
Hmm... weird kan.. Alih2 tanya psl mak andam...

So i guess dat his mum had agreed!

Kalau tk, tkkan his mum nk rekemen kan jiran dia...

N then siap bwk catalogue lage.. I've nvr felt the happiest...
Tak sangka like so fast... Now must work hard n plan everythg smoothly...

At last.. my dream has come true!!! Amin...
Now I cld sleep peacefully at night...

2009-03-09T03:12:00.002-04:00

Depressed..
Hari2 bgn tido pikir benda sama n nak tido pikir benda sama...
Then hari2 depressed sendiri...
Fikir mcm mana nk break, maybe shld find other guys je...

Knape boleh jadi mcm gini??
I thot nk kahwin is supposed to be a happy thg...
Knape boleh jadi mcm gini?
Is it my fault or his?

2009-03-04T03:55:00.002-05:00

Quoted from the book: What SMART COUPLES know.

Relationship success is dependent both on what you do as well as on who you are.
Think about this:

1) Would your relationship run more smoothly if you sharpened your ability to read and understand your partner's feelings?

2) Would you feel better if you could show your partner that you're tuned in to him/her?

3) If you two had more positive than negative interactions, and were more opmtimistic abt the r'ship, would thgs improve?

4) Would it improve thgs for the two of you if you read your partner's "signal" more accurately?

5) Would thgs be better if you could both clearly identify and then appropriately express your own emotions?

6) Would things change for the better if the two of you showed more emphathy and compassion for each other?

7) Would it feel better if you admired and valued each other more?

Well, of course everyone want these thgs in their r'ship. Be assured that you can have thgs this way by using your EQ.

Nine Components of EQ:

1) Being Self Aware and having self knowledge.

2) Knowing, understanding, regulating and managing your emotions and expressing them appropriately.

3) Emphathizing and being attuned to others, esp your partner and dealing with them effectively.

4) Maintaining hope, positive thinking and an attitude of optimism.

5) Keeping distress from swamping your ability to think - Being able to override negative emotions.

6) Maintaning enthusiasm and persistence in the face of frustration or setbacks.

7) Maintaning a sense of self efficacy.

8) Delaying gratification and controlling or resisting your impulses.

9) Being Self Motivated.

Examples of Maturity:

1) Being patient, civil and kind.

2) Facing unpleasantness without bitterness

3) Being dependable

4) Maintaning personal integrity

5) Accepting responsibility for the outcome of your decisions

6) Displaying humility and the ability to say "I'm Sorry" or "I was Wrong"

7) Handling frustration and settling differences in non-destructive ways

8) Taking ownership or accountability of your actions.

Who Am I? The Beginning of the Journey

Nature Vs Nurture

Personalities are determined 50% by early life experiences and 50% by genetic heritage/physiology.

Early life effects on personality:

1) Alcoholism of one or both parents

2) Physical, emotional or sexual abuse

3) Emotional or physical neglect

4) Death of a parent/parents

5) Emotional or mental illness of one or both parents

6) Role reversals and "parentification" of a child

7) Overindulgence

8) Unclear limits or boundaries

9) Rigid, controlling or excessively strict atmosphere

10) Lack of love and affection

If you had a secure, stable, loving parents in a safe, appropriate environment, this is likely to have a positive effect on your personality formation.

Early attachment between yourself and early childhood influences your emotional expectations and major impact on your marriage and other adult relationships.

Anxious-ambivalent, Avoidant and Secure categories.

Self-Disclosure:

Sharing yourself with your partner.
Do you have trouble describing your behavior or personality accurately and naming your feelings?

Reasons for these (Check it if its true):

1) You may simply be unable to confide in your partner because you lack the language and awareness to describe yourself and your inner experiences.

2) You may be afraid to disclose because you have had painful experiences in sharing with others who had betray your trust.

3) You may feel its none of your partner's business.

4) You may have been brought up not to expose your dirty laundry to public.

5) You may experience a general discomfort with vulnerability.

Positive Vs Negative thinking:

Positive thinkers make a better marital partner and positive thinking has a major effect on your emotional and physical health and the overal outcome of your life.

Friendship and Companionship

* Confiding and self disclosing with a sense of trust

* A willingness to be vulnerable

* Sharing of affections

* Spending time together and being companions

* Showing emotional support

* Being loyal and defending your partner in his/her absence

* Being tolerant and accepting of each other's friends

* Engaging in regular CONVERSATIONS

* Accepting each other's uniqueness

* Communicating appreciation and expressing kindness and being courteous to each other

* Being honest but with careful criticism

LOVE: Taking Pleasure in Another's Happiness

Self-Esteem: CAN I LOVE YOU IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME?

Self love =Great Self esteem

Signs of Insecurity:

1) Defensiveness
2) Jealousy
3) Possessiveness
4) Unwillingness to be accountable
5) Attitude of blaming
6) Competitiveness
7) Passiveness
8) Need for control
9) Desire to win
10) Erratic emotionality

Supporting your partner's autonomy:

* Respecting your partner's point of view
* Encouraging choice and initiative
* Communicating in a non controlling ways
* Offering positive feedback
* Allowing space or time alone for his/her personal pursuits

Individuals with good self esteem:

- Feel confident in most situations
- Comfortable in being alone
- Are not overly dependent upon others
- Are hopeful and optimistic
- Are capable experiencing intimacy
- Know and their personal power
- Experience joy in life
- Enjoy the successes of others
- Are able to forgive
- Are not critical and judgemental of others
- Can identify and correct their mistakes
- Can relate to their "inner selves"
- Avoid ppl pleasing and caretaking
- Are compassionate but avoid pitying

How parents influential adult influence you:

1) The feelings of others are very important, or feelings of others does not matter.

2) It can be rewarding to be close to people or dangerous to be close to people.

3) Everyone feelings are important, even yours or my feelings matter more than yours.

4) Life can be a challenge but we can handle it or life is too difficult.

5) Listen to your heart and emotions as well as thoughts or use your head not your heart.

ETC

Characteristics of person addicted to alcohol or drugs:

1) Inappropriate acting out
2) Impulsivity
3) Intolerance and Impatience
4) Lack of motivation or ambition
5) Giving up easily
6) Blaming others
7) Hopelessness
8) Excessive anger
9) Unpredictability
10) Insensitivity or obliviousness to feeling of others

Common examples of things of high EQ you could practise with your partner:

- Can you tell me what you're feeling right now?
- Can you help me understand why you did it that way?
- What are/were you intending?
- Can you please clarify what you mean?

Learn to listen - Most important ingredient in emphathy and attunement.

Listening with the ears and soul:

- Are you able to focus your full attention on the other person?
- Can you listen to critiscisms of yourself?
- Can you listen for feelings?
- Do you find listening to feelings uncomfortable?
- Are you able to stay genuinely focused and attentive and not just pretend to listen?
- Do you acknowledge what your partner is saying even if you disagree with it?
ETC

Being heard means being taken seriously.
It satisfies our needs... to feel connected to others...
The listener helps to confirm our common humanity...
The need to be known... understood and accepted by someone who really listens is meat and drink to the human heart...

2009-03-02T09:54:00.002-05:00

Today is a bad bad monday... Monday blues today...

First: I am still mad at Wan. This is worst.

Second: I am late today and even later coz I can't deposit my money in all the deposit machines!! I am puzzled...

Third: Joanna tried and she can't transfer thru internet banking too.

Fourth: I dun feel hungry today. Luckily its not too bz at work.

Fifth: My money seems missing.. but its juz me who spends too much in such a little time.

Sixth: M1 barred my outgoing calls and smses just b'coz of a few outstandings!! Geram.

Seventh: Wan alwayz nk act as if nothing had happened!! Geram!!

Eight: Found out that POSB had terminate my acct juz b'coz i dun have minimum balance for 3 consecutive months. And they only manage to deduct one dollar!!!

Nineth: My giros are all affected!! And I dun wanna pay extra!!!

Tenth: I look ugly today with one eye swollen, jerawat at nose yg tk kecik2 and tudung tk betol!!

But... one single lining is that.. my BONUS is nearer and nearer... hehe...
Amin...

2009-03-01T22:28:00.000-05:00

Is he really the one for me?
I'm so confuse right now... and I dun wanna make the wrong choice...
Its already march...

2009-02-28T22:07:00.003-05:00

Today was a really really really sad day for me.
And Wan proves that he might not be worth it for me anymore.
Why wld he do that anyway? Playing the mp3 like he doesn't care, tknak layan aku bebual while i'm sadden with the news.
Did he loves doing that? Did he thinks that by doing that I wld love him more?
Abeh knape if he's the one who's angry, he shld drag it long while i'm angry for a short period of time only?
Why does he thinks that his mum likes me and consent to this marriage when
everybody can see that she's not.
Why? Why must this thg be happening to me??
Why does he likes to make me sad? I cried like crazy sia, the worst of all since i've known him, my eyes are swollen, i have a splitting headache...
And he doesnt makes life easier for me, he doesnt share my burden, he juz let it be...
I shld have known it... coz he simply doesnt care abt others.
As long as it does nt affects him, its fine with him... doesnt matter if i'm suffering inside.
Now what am i supposed to do?
Everythg is not going as what i think it shld be... sad... :(

2009-02-26T09:56:00.004-05:00

One often wonders what is life all abt.

For me... its all abt happiness.. and love.

These are the two most important thgs in life.

Humans does nt live long... and so long as we are feeling happy and contented far more than sad or hatred or any unpure thots and feelings, at least half of our life, it's gd enough.. so that we could die in peace.

Why shld we think much abt all our probs every single day?

We are only making ourself more unhappy.

Juz let nature take it course.

When you do not have a choice and are force with an unhappy childhood, or are fated to be born into nt so happy/gd families... you shld not let failure brings u down.

And become what you are already born into.. and then let another child be born into the same kind of thg that you went thru.. and it will go all thru generations.

U muz try as u might, to seek the happiness that you really deserve.

Build a new life that you deserve. You might fail once or twice, but do not give up.

Do not care what other ppl think, as long as u, urself believe in what u do.

Live life like you wanted it to be... close one eye to thgs that you do not wish to see or hear.

I believe that with perserverence, there will be a reward.

And I hope that I too cld perservere and be rewarded.

Please have some faith in us and let us seek our own happiness...

I hope everybody will stop it.
Amin.

2009-02-25T23:08:00.000-05:00

I must do sumthg to chg my life.
Life is hard and everybody is not supportive of me.
I really hate this life...

I dun wanna be normal. I wanna be outstanding.
I want to be successful.
Pls God.. Help me. Just help me and I promise I will be a gd servant to you.
I will help others.

2009-02-24T22:11:00.002-05:00

Dear God...

I didn't meant to feel this way and I didn't even meant to be angry.
I only want him to understand & be responsible.
But I guess that he's not. He did not learn.
Anyway I dun wanna talk to him, say somethg not nice and make him upset.
Coz I knw that even if anythg, he loves me a lot.

I dun really mind he bought the mp3 as long as he knows what he have to do.
Mana lage important kan??
Cld he spend the rest of his life with his mp3?
Still in a few yrs benda tu akan rosak or go out of trend.

If his mum still make excuses, that means dia tk restu and then i will just take it as its not meant to be.

2009-02-18T01:05:00.002-05:00

This past weeks had been hectic...
Slalu jumpa dia.. kita tk gaduh...
Tapi maybe the impact that his mum gives the red light is affecting me... Us...

N then valentines day.. I bought for him cookies (heart shape box) frm Famous Amos...
I feel kind of sad though...
He shld have make an effort... Even if he do not wanna buy me the watch kan...
He cld but somethg else... not necessarily expensive...
Still smp skrg pon tkda... mcm tkda initiative...
Not that memorable lah dis yr... last yr is the best.

At last jgk may nikah... Tk sangka jodoh dia dh tiba.. Dgn Man jgk...
Walaupon suasana sedih.. nt as expected...
Semoga berkekalan hingga ke akhir hayat...
Nasib aku ntah bila lage...

Its kind of hectic... n that day we plan for our wedding carefully...
Write it in paper.. spend nearly 2 hrs plus...
I hope he knows hw to deal with his mum.. Mcm mana nk yakinkan his mum...
I hope all is not wasted...
Of course lah aku very very sad kalau his mum doesnt believe in us... In me.
Like aku tk ikhlas love wan...
Yupz... mmg aku muda... but i'm more mature... n we r comfortable with each other...
Aku tk expect wan to be a perfect bf... but he's already a great bf...
So what else do i ask for?
We cld communicate and accommodate each other. Like A Soulmate.

This week... bingit wk with my nenek... slalu tk faham...
I meant makin tua.. u shld be more relax n happy... not stress urself up more kan...
N then tk faham yg aku nie byk benda nk buat before aku 25..
Nie termsk educate wan mcm mana nk ckp dgn mak dia!!!
Stress tau aku... no support... except for frenz... Radea...
Still, bahu yg memikul lage susah...
Then busu n mak busu nk balik... I hav to prepare for the worst & endure...

Hopefully... this friday aft he talk, his mum will give us the green light!!!
Itu ajelah satu2 nya permintaan & doa aku...
Amin!!!

2009-02-15T00:58:00.000-05:00

I will not make the same mistakes that you did.........
I will not let myself Cause my heart so much misery..........
I will not break the way you did,You fell so hard..........
I've learned the hard way.........
To never let it get that far.....

Because of you... I never stray too far from the sidewalk.....
Because of you... I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt...
Because of you... I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me...
Because of you... I am afraid......................

I lose my way...
And it's not too long before you point it out....
I cannot cry....
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes....
I'm forced to fake.. A smile, a laugh everyday of my life....
My heart can't possibly break....
When it wasn't even whole to start with....

Because of you...
I never stray too far from the sidewalk....
Because of you...
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt...
Because of you... I find it hard to trust not only me,
but everyone around me...
Because of you... I am afraid...

I watched you die.. I heard you cry every night in your sleep...
I was so young... You should have known better than to lean on me...
You never thought of anyone else... You just saw your pain...
And now I cry in the middle of the night...
For the same damn thing....

Because of you... I never stray too far from the sidewalk.....
Because of you... I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt.
Because of you... I try my hardest just to forget everything.
Because of you... I don't know how to let anyone else in...
Because of you... I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty.
Because of you... I am afraid....
Because of you..........................

2009-02-05T22:33:00.004-05:00

Its hard for me to write down my feeling now...
Coz i've got so much to say...
I'm thinking of where does all these problems arises?

The answer:
N it stems from him and his selfishness, nt to ask his parents to meet my family.

Literally, to be honest, I've been waiting since late last year. N he kept on delaying it n act like nothing had happened. Everythg that he wishes for must go on. But my wish, he doesn't care.
N then he will start to say thgs/lines that wld hurt me... Like "you lah yg nk cepat sgt..", "u tk faham my parent.." n so on... N i wld hav to keep quiet n keep everythg to myself although it pains me.

I really2 am dissapointed with that n everytime i kept on getting upset n thinking y do i get a guy like him? Dats my only hope.
Knape dia tk understand? N then just b'coz of this one prob it will lead to others and unhappiness between us. But the unspoken prob will always be this.

The thg is just simple, if he doesnt wanna remarry and his parents dun wanna accept another daughter in law, then no need to bother finding a new one. Putting all responsibilities on her.
Giving hopes and dashing it. I really am hurt by him.

2009-01-31T22:03:00.000-05:00

That day he and me had a heart to heart talk...
Abt religion and performing our duty as a muslim...
And we both agreed that we do not perform our duty well b'coz of we r not satisfy with our lives now and keep on committing sins... So jiwa kita tk tenang...

Well, he did agree that marriage cld solve the prob...
But y did he acts like dis alwayz?
I dun gain anythg much frm the marriage...
Juz the freedom to do my thgs at my own pace...

Aku hope dia sedar yg he's wrong... his method his wrong...
I dun blame his mum, but his attitude make it worst for his mum to believe him.

2009-01-26T12:58:00.002-05:00

Dear Blog,

First of all.. I wanted to say that I'm really happy today... I get to mit my frenz and radea...
Its enough for me... Coz I know that there r ppl out there besides him who cld make me happy.
Its already too much for me to handle.

I've also talked to Dewi and learnt that thgs cannot go on this way...
She said that she if were me, she wld have leave the guy a long time ago...
Why am I not suprised? Since a lot of ppl have already said that obviously...

N I'm really sad that what I heard, rang true to my ears.
He's really nt someone who deserves to be loved.
He cld only hurt and make empty promises...

Mayb if I let it go now... It won't be too late...
I know what his thinkings are... Everythg is fine as long as everythg is fine.

Because he everythg is fine as long as his life goes smoothly.
But he cannot think frm his point of view only.
He cannot think based on his feelings only.
Because as a couple, you are supposed to be equal.

N... It's alwayz him who's making the mistake.
He wld just nvr learn.